Those Words from My Father Which Saved Me when I became a First-Time Dad

"In my view I was merely trying to survive for the first year."

Former reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the challenges of becoming a dad.

Yet the truth soon became "utterly different" to his expectations.

Serious health problems surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into acting as her main carer in addition to caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I took on every night time, each diaper… every walk. The duty of mother and father," Ryan stated.

After 11 months he became exhausted. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a park bench, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The direct words "You are not in a good spot. You need some help. In what way can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and find a way back.

His story is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While society is now more comfortable talking about the strain on mums and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the challenges fathers face.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan thinks his struggles are linked to a wider reluctance to communicate between men, who still absorb harmful perceptions of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and stays upright every time."

"It isn't a sign of being weak to ask for help. I failed to do that fast enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to accept they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - especially in front of a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental well-being is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad offered him the space to take a pause - taking a short trip abroad, outside of the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He understood he needed to make a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states alongside the practical tasks of caring for a infant.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -holding her hand and hearing her out.

'Parenting yourself

That epiphany has changed how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan hopes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of emotion and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "reparenting" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Even with having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, deep-held trauma meant his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says bottling up emotions resulted in him make "poor choices" when younger to modify how he felt, turning in alcohol and substances as escapism from the hurt.

"You find your way to behaviours that aren't helpful," he explains. "They might temporarily change how you feel, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Tips for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Share with someone - if you're feeling swamped, tell a friend, your other half or a professional about your state of mind. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - make time for the activities that made you feel like yourself before the baby arrived. Examples include playing sport, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Pay attention to the body - a good diet, physical activity and when you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is faring.
• Connect with other new dads - listening to their journeys, the challenges, and also the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Remember that requesting help does not mean you've failed - looking after your own well-being is the most effective way you can support your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the passing, having had no contact with him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead give the security and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - managing the feelings constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men because they confronted their issues, altered how they express themselves, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… sitting with things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I expressed, sometimes I believe my job is to guide and direct you how to behave, but in reality, it's a exchange. I'm learning just as much as you are on this path."